why do i love?

Who knows why i love?
who knows why i dream?
can anybody tell me?
i feel that i do not know
which way i should go
in this game
that i'm so involved
when there's no involvement
that i know of

Why do i love?
why do i suffeR?
agonies that tear at me
and make my head cry out
both in unrelenting ecstacy
and bombardments of pain
it hurts.

i don't want to fall
but it seems im already falling
is the mind here to control my heart
or has my heart been its stupid self
again.

no.
not again.
i never felt this way before.
trampled and seduced
by the thought
of everlasting happiness
with someone that
i'm not even sure is true

do you like me?
do you like my boobs?
If you like my boobs..
take them..
hope you take me too.

i don't know why i hurt
why i cry
why i keep coming back
why im so confused
im more intelligent than this.

im a heartbroken fool
for someone like you
i know this
it is true
but somehow
it hasn't stopped me
liking you.
loving you.
wanting you.
for myself.
forever.

i never felt this way before.

im officially heartbroken.
I hate this.

I hate myself.
I don't even know why I wished to have a romantical interest on somebody.
I forgot.
It's the pits.

Ok. so today, was the first day we met after the "event". So it's like, he's not talking to me, and he's kinda naiilang.. well I am too, if you get down into it.

I found out that someone else has a crush on him. And i feel it my gut, that he might have a crush on someone else. Who incidentally, is the crush of my last crush. I told this girl-- "leave some for us.." then I laughed.

I almost cried when i was leaving the building. I drove really fast and a lot of people looked at me.
Was i pissed?
Yeah.

And guess what the girl who i feel has a crush on my guy rode with me-- in front. LEt's just say--- I drove really really fast--faster than I usually do, which is saying much.

I don't like this feeling, but i guess it's better than not feeling anything at all, which was of course, my dilemma before.
I guess, one thing is better than the other right?

I'm kinda confused. Because he CAN be the one. majorly the one.
And i want to go after him so badddd.
This is pride versus need to be loved battling it out.
I'm kinda thinking, he likes me.
But there's this nagging feeling that he likes someone else.
I hurt.
I hurt a lot.

Love is the pits. It's always the pits for me. Why can't I fall into love with someone who will love me back... or why i can't fall for someone who loves me.. or wants to love me?
Am i meant for single-blessedness? *cringe*

I hope not.
I'm really confused on how to act.
Should I act cool and unaffected?
Should I act affected?

in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola
I don't need
to try and explain;
I just hold on tight
And if it happens again, I
might move
so slightly
To the arms and the lips and the face
of the
human cannonball
That I need to, I want to

Come stand a little bit
closer
Breath in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you

When I get to you

[chorus:]

Ooh, I want you
I
don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you

I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out

I'm the
kind of person who endorses
a deep commitment
Getting comfy getting
perfect
is what I live for
But a look, then a smell of perfume
It's
like I'm down on the floor
And I don't know what I'm in for


Conversation has a time and place
In the interaction of a lover and

a mate,
But the time of talking,
using symbols, using words
Can
be likened to a deep sea diver
who is swimming with a raincoat

Come
stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never
know what hit you
When I get to you

[chorus]

Anytime I
need to see your face,
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
where
your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter
in the
base of my spine
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola

I don't need to try
and explain;
I just hold on tight
And if it happens again, I might move

so slightly
To the arms and the lips and the face
of the human
cannonball
That I need to, I want to

[chorus]

So can
we find out?

I WANT TO FREAKIN' FIND OUT!!!

NOW NA!!!

This is the start of the end.

For real.

So I took my new officemates to the farm for us to get drunk and now each other better. I messed up.. totally. I got roaringly drunk and kissed an officemate.

repeatedly.
torridly.

and worst of all...

I liked it.

I liked it a lot.

So now, i'm kinda wondering if this is because i'm just uber "tigang na lupa" or do i really like this guy.

Ok. first of all, im trying desperately hard not to crush on this guy. I went to the farm crushing on another guy. I'm sooo confused and a little afraid.

As i said, this is bad.

Ok. This is fear of rejection again. I know I have to treat the kiss-es as nothing--just a kiss. But I will be honest and say that it did make me hope against hope that he might be the one. Well, honestly, all my crushes naman are like that. I keep on hoping he's going to be the one.

But alas, I am my current un-attached, unloved self so, it doesn't take a genius to see how that thing turned out. So much for my romantical dreams.

So wait a minute, im writing like this guy's my crush already. Well, the main question is, is he? I really don't want to hope... because all my hopes just get dashed away.

on the other hand.... it's been a while since i've been rejected. Haha.. this may be fun.

or not.

ok. It's not fun. I hate it.. i hate it... i faced myself in the mirror kanina and said to myself.. don't dream of it.. don't even think it.. you're going to end up hurt.. magpapayat ka muna.. bago ka mangarap.

hay. insecurity is bugging me like crazy.

ok might as well be honest. This guy might be the one.

And i'm scared. WAAAAAAAY more scared than i've ever been before. He might be everything I wanted. He may not want me.

We're not seeing each other til Tuesday. When we met the day after, it was like nothing happened. Ouch.. yes it did hurt a lot. This Tuesday, i don't even know how to react. I don't want to make it a big deal and end up like alienating myself from him etc.. etc... and now i post my current question... and perhaps one of the most important un-answerable questions that i have.

DOES HE LIKE ME?

I want to hope.
I want to dream.
But I'm going to be honest and say that i don't think he does. Ok, that hurt. A lot.

I watched Jerry Yan and Vic Zhou yesterday. They were handsome.. everything that I dreamed they would be. And they SANG very good. AI-AI delas Alas rocks! swerteng bakla!I'm so annoyed with myself. Instead of not thinking about him and just concentrating on the fact that I saw 1/2 of my most favorite group, I sat there and thought.. I wish when f4 finally come here next year, I can go to their concert with (place name of the guy here).

I don't know what to freakin' do. I'm the closest I am to crying over a guy. Ok. yeah. Ok.
And im scared that I might end up hurt and unloved. I'm confused whether I should go and do everything in my power to get myself and this guy together.. or should i just go and continue hoping that he might like me.

In other words, im thinking whether to throw myself at this guy, or wait for him to throw himself at me.

I need help. It's been a while since i wrote in my blog. I have a feeling, I might be writing a lot more.. and more often.

Remember when I wrote my goals in life? to get rich, to be famous, and to help a lot of people?

I just realized something.

I want to get rich, be famous, and help a lot of people with someone by my side.
and i think I want it to be him.

note to self: know person first before thinking you might love him.

1 day to go. I'm officially an ex-employee of my company. Come monday, I'm a member of the APAC workforce.
------------------------------------------------------------------ ok.. im not finishing the above blog.. it's like 2 days in my training.. pretty good i think. no cute people in the group though--- just my luck! i hope santa can here me about my wish.. hey. my family may be moving soon.. i don't know if i should be happy or sad.. but its still a big maybe.. awwwww.. i'll miss pacita.. and yeah.. my mom's driver scratched the front of my car.. i haven't even used it yet.. grrr..... nothing much happening.. im not that stressed anymore.. i think im going to have fun in my new job.. i plan to excel. :) more things to post probably on a weekend. i gotta get cable.. how much does cable internet cost anyway? oh and yeah.. im going to have a big F4 tarpoline this Friday.. hehe.. big ken in my room... celebrate!! see you...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

ok it took the test. and i can see that i'm pretty messed up. Waaaayy more messed up that i thought i was. im histrionic and narcissistic. I like to talk a lot.. i only now know why. I'll try to keep more quiet.. good luck to me.. now im depressed again...

dino..take this test..

ok so officially, It's the christmas season. there's a lot of things that are going to happen.. and i have mixed feelings about it. Well, just a rundown of what's happened to me:

1> this week is my last week with my current job. happily, the job that i wrote about, i got in alabang. So i'll be starting next week on that. baka mabagot rin ako ng uber sa job na yon... haha more blog entries then...
2> the pg outing came through only ang konti namin na dumating. Well, ok lang. We really had fun. Ako nga na majorly tulog sa mga uber bonding moments nun ay naghave-fun.. lalo pa kaya sila.. To those who missed it.. sayang talga. Dami pa naman food...
3> the missing money has been found. Ang saya saya ko dahil the money which i wrote in the last blog as missing and stolen has been found. Of course, I refuse to think about if it was stolen in the first place and by whom. I want to leave my job with a smile on my face, and a song in my heart.. well. SONG: MORE TO LIFE.. hehe
4>im about 5 pounds heavier. Of course this is due to 2 things. One, I ran out of pills and had to eat 3 meals per day. and Two, I had a PG outing = self-explanatory.
5> kiti quit module - ok, this is kinda hard for me, but i kinda expected it when she emailed me a while back. all i can say is that it's extremely saddening but decisions are made for a reason. I know naman na pinagisipan mo ito. and all i can say is.. as long as masaya ka.. masaya ko at ang rest of the module crew...


ok what else...
oo nga pla..i'm watching f4 and asos in concert with my fellow F4fanatic carrie. Kiti is talking about watching Mandy moore.. bet ko rin itows. Is it any wonder na I don't have savings at all to speak of?

NOW TO THE HEAVY STUFF

the reason this blog entry is entitled the christmas countdown is because christmas is fast approaching and i don't actually know how in the hell i should actually meet it?
I'm thinking what should be the best way? A head-on collission, or a try and prolong it as much as possible,the getting there, I mean.

i've lost the wishing for christmas. I don't know if its because i'm growing old or because the world is not a wonderful place anymore. Or worst, I may not believe in christmas anymore.
What the hell is christmas anyway.. besides the birth of our Lord?
Many people would say that the reason above is enough reason. And true enough, a large part of me agrees. But the part that makes me the manic-depressive person that I am, wants something else.
god! This constant search for happiness sucks! It sucks! Why can't I be happy?
Before i went off work today, an officemate of mine was talking about how she's finding it hard to let go of a former boyfriend. She loves him.
Ok,  i've always said this. I've never been in love. I want to be in love, but i don't fall in love. I don't cry because I'm in love and its not reciprocated. I cry because I don't know what love is.. and what it feels like. There's like this humongous hole inside of me that wants to be filled --> ok this is true, as cheeky as it sounds.

Thank god that i don't have time to think most of the time because im full of reading books, being with friends and watching TV. I distinctly remember a time in college, where i was sitting in jollibee typing poems in my handheld and crying my heart out at the car-- a few minutes later.

I hate thinking, as much as I hate not being able to feel love. I hate it!!!! The whole christmas thing.. is making me vomit. Another christmas spent alone, not loving, and unloved.

I fear that what my sister has been teasing me willbe true. I may end up as an old-maid. I can't freakin' settle that's why.
I went out with a guy last week, I hated the way he looked, I was so aware of his errors in speaking that I didn't even go out and watch a movie with him. I pray that someone would come into my life, then god suddenly turns around and gives me a guy.. and i'm like.. nooooo waaayyyyy.

Well the realization is that i think god wants me to see that i don't really want/need a guy in my life right now. Because if i did, i would settle. I'm sure, I would.

ok. napalayo na naman ako sa christmas countdown. Christmas is fast approaching. i'm still very much lonely. I have wonderful uber wonderful friends and family.. but no honey.

One of my favorite songs is SANTA CAN YOU HEAR ME or MY ONLY WISH by britney spears. i think its a perfect song that describes the way i feel. It's all happy and fast and cheerful.. but the lyrics speak of an extreme desire to be loved and to love. Which is exactly what i feel.

The whole christmas countdown sucks because it makes me realize that here's another christmas spent wishing for "a true love that's dear".

here's the lyrics of the song:

Britney Spears - My Only Wish This Year lyrics

Last night I took a walk in the snow.
Couples holding hands, places to go
Seems like everyone but me is in love.

Santa can you hear me
I signed my letter that I sealed with a kiss
I sent it off
It just said this
I know exactly what I want this year.
Santa can you hear me.
I want my baby (baby, yeah)
I want someone to love me someone to hold me.
Maybe (maybe, maybe maybe.) he'll be all I hope in a big red bow

Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year and all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me underneath my christmas tree
I'll be waiting here.
Santa thats my only wish this year.
oohhh ohh yeah
Christmas Eve I just can't sleep
Would I be wrong for taking a peek?
Cause I heard that your coming to town

Santa can you hear me? (yea yeah)
Really hope that your on your way
With something special for me in your sleigh
Ohh please make my wish come true
Santa can you hear me
I want my baby (baby)
I want someone to love me someone to hold me
Maybe (maybe maybe) theyll be all the love under the mistletoe

Santa can you hear me
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I wabt just for me
Underneath my christmas tree
I'll be waiting here santa thats my only wish this year
I hope my letter reaches you in time
Bring me love can call all mine
(yeah yeah) cause I have been so good this year.

Can't be long under the mistletoe
He's all want and a big red bow
Santa can you hear me (hear me?)
I have been so good this year
And all i want is one thing
Tell me my true love is near
He's all I want. just for me
Underneath my christmas tree
I'll be waiting here (ohh yeah) santa thats my only wish this year
Oh santa can u hear me? oh santa
Well hes all I want just for me underneath my Christmas tree
Oh I'll be waiting here
Santa thats my only wish this year.

ok so friends.. it's official. I have no control of my life.

I made so many plans na nagkapatong patong na siya..

i know na may pg dinner and lunch tomorrow.. ang problem ko may interview ako ng 130 ng sabado.
i don't want to put all my eggs in a basket.. pero ayaw ko na magpainterview sa ibang call center..
gusto ko na sa APAC. pano ba ito?

I had a pretty tiring day.. like always when i arrive from deliveries, I feel physically drained.. not to mention.. i feel ugly pa.
There's nothing like deliveries to give you a shot of humility.
Well, the reason my blog is called so yesterday today because a lot of things are now.. so yesterday... Let me count them down and explain them to you guys:

1. my job : i am officially out of here in 3 more weeks. My endless torments will be so yesterday soon!!! No more deliveries! No more flowers! No more annoying love monkeys looking at me!!! yipee!!!

2. my sister's boyfriend: this is one point of celebration! Finally, after all the heartache..not to mention migraines that my lil sis' psychotic boyfriend has caused me.. the relationship is finally over!!! eventhough nagkaroon ng suicidal threats yung boy in relation to my sister.. i just told my sister this : LIFE IS TOO SHORT, AND IF ANYONE WANTS TO CUT IT EVEN SHORTER.. THEN HE'S A FOOL... AND DESERVES TO DIE. haha.. evil ba? Siyempre ayoko naman mamatay siya..pero please. my sister is kinda prone to guilt-trips of sickos like that. Bakit ba walang ganon na nangyayari sa akin? Why does it always seem na interesting things like that happen to other people besides me? hmmm.... can anyone answer this?

3.the module plan: this is another point of celebration! actually lahat naman ito yata celebration eh! The module plan is no longer just a plan! it's like i'm totally feelin' that it's a reality na.. I have to admit that i had doubts that we were going to be able to do it.. but i just bought my very first craft book.. so all the doubts we're just so yesterday.

4. the frustration: When stacie's song, MORE TO LIFE went on the air on the radio today.. about 4 times.. i just turned it up.. sang along .. looked at the mirror.. and smiled to death! THERE IS MORE TO LIFE!!! haha.. ang saya ng feeling na.. it's going to be a better day.. and i have a better future!!! This whole sense of optimism is getting scary na... but funnily.. i'm not scared.

5. the threat of unemployment : this is related to number 3.. i'm not seeing unemployment for about 6 months.. i'll be having two jobs.. as a call center girla.. which i promised myself.. that i would be like the bomb in.. and as the GM.. which of course.. there's absolutely no doubt that i'll totally inculcate and nurture in my heart <--naks.

6. i think my near/non-dating phase is over---so yesterday!!! My sis introduced me to a guy.. who;s not that cute, but seems interesting. He's tall, drives a mean car, and is an engineering graduate from MAPUA.. lets cross our fingers... he's no ken zhu.. but he seems.. interesting...

well.. actually my eyes are like tearing na.. because i want to sleep so badly.. i just got my laptop back from the arabo guy.. and had to figure out the settings that he changed and spent about 4 hours trying to connect to the internet.. so im really tired.. computer strain.. wait the more correct term would be "techno stress" I guess.. hehe..

tommorow.. kiti'll be having her last hurrah before she officially joins the working world. :) I wish all my friends out there the best of luck. Basta tandaan niyo lang ako ha? Wala namang kalimutan?

oo nga pla.. raul almost got a job in jollibee and then refused it. I learned the hard way to only go where you want to go to. Because, in the long run, you're not only wasting their time.. you;re also wasting yours. Hay.. dammit! I learned that the hard way.

ok.. im getting depressed and angry thinking about VPA holdings again.. hehe..

life is too short to spend depressed. Let's all spend it happy.. or trying to be happy at least.. with people we love and care about!

oo nga pala.. im over the moon because i bought the STARSTUDIO thing of the EVENT.. it had a big poster of ken and the word by word account of the interview with KEN AND VANNESS with KRIS.. and im SO HAPPY THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!! I can still lose weight and go to TAIWAN..
ok nangangarap na naman ako ng gising. There's no harm in dreaming. Oo nga pla. My life plan has a little bit of revisions.

1. get rich thru module and negosyo effects.
2. be sikat hindi na thru government.. thru artista effects na lang.. (kapal talga)
3. tulong sa people.. thru negosyo effects.. i wanna be like intercity arts sa oprah. i wanna give module kits to the less fortunate someday....

I wish I could make more people happy or at least as happy as I feel today!

"We're almost there.. I'm feeling it bad, and I can't explain"

ok. so i now think im in uber big trouble. i stirred up a cauldron of shit, thats' just waiting to explode on my face... ick!