find me in livejournal. kaya mo yan.

i'm a little sane. or should i say sane-er.
so there.
don't know if anyone is reading this, but yes, i am very bored.
so there.

hay. so many things have happened and so many things will happen, and then the things that life has to offer me are so myriad.
and the sad thing is i don't want to move.
move an inch.

with the choy issue, im going to give it a rest. He's having problems right now, and im not expecting that us going out will happen anytime soon. I don't think he can make me happy now. And i don't think i would help him in anyway now.

i hope all his problems will be solved.
shucks... is this love?

parang nakalimutan ko na yung MCI.. it's so creepy. i want to get enthusiasm for it na.
tinatamad na rin ako magapply ng kahit anong job.
alam niyo na fifeel ko lang ito when im alone.
when im with other people, im this freakin' go-getter bitch chova.

but im really tired.
siguro kasi i spent the last 21 years trying to get to this place.
which incidentally, I don't know if i should me here in the first place.

so maybe its a weight issue. don't want to spend the next 21 years of my life fat and un-attractive.
Although takot ako to death sa drugtest na maaring ilabas dahil sa aking pag-BP, pero ako ay magB-BP. i need it for myself.
this is a choice that i made.
That i know you as my friends, will respect.

The sad thing is... i need this to be happy.
there is more to life than getting a big salary, having your own business.
or getting the guy you want.

right now, its all about trying to get passion for something other than just sleeping.
yes, im bored.
i told myself i wouldn't be here.
but i am.
so there.

DRAGON KIDS AND PG PEOPLE.. gimik naman tayo this January 10... sige na?
have mercy on me.
either way. i may be drinking alone.
don't make me drink alone?

why the title?

I dunno. I really dunno. the music im listening to now is that song...
so maybe that's it!

nothing much happening this new year's day. My mom and dad went back to our farm, my brother is off playing computer with his friends, my sis is off I'm sure to meet a guy somewhere but she's leaving on the premise that she's off to the salon. Yeah, like i would go to the salon in a skirt... with a pretty sexy shirt... haha! This is just because i usually go to the salon in my sweats.. pambahay shorts and then coupled with pambahay shirts.. The last time i went to get my regular every 2 weeks foot spa.. which incidentally looking at my feet right now.. i need to get.. i was wearing the nicest/cutest outfit.. they ever saw me in.. my manicurist aileen.. told me i was cute.. haha.. not to mention the compliments of the receptionist.. my gay hairstylist.. etc..etc..

so there.. what's my point?

nothing. absolutely nothing.

mac spent New Years with us. He went to my dad's side of the family--family reunion spearheaded my moi's family held in our farm. So suddenly, i was like.. where the hell are the people? Ok. i dunno if its because the farm is sooo big.. or that i was getting older or something.. but we suddently felt such an isty bitsy group.. where have all my relatives gone?

they are like migrating to saudi or to germany or to the states or whatever...

bakit ayaw niyo.. tumira sa pinas?

hmm.. honestly.. i want to travel but i want to live in the Philippines. Wait, so how the hell am i going to marry a foreigner while living here? hmmm... whatever.

Don't want to think about it anymore.. my mind's too messed up right now.

ok. to make life simpler.. i'll just go and type anyything that comes to mind..

ok.. officially tomorrow is the end of the holidays.. if you don't count the three kings.. and choy promised me that we would go out after the holidays.. what to do? what to do?

my batchmates in APAC will be going out for lunch in tagaytay this january 3, and incidentally, i am getting robie's friend.. Ralph.. who she tells me is uber gwapo a ride to our farm in Silang. So there.. hope i can spark one ounce of jelousy from choy.

ok. and the weirdest thing happened when i was in the pantry last Dec 31.. someone kissed my hand.. and said happy new year! ok.. it was like --- freak out time mode! He wasn't cute at all.. and he was kinda weird.. well.. at least someone did it right?

but the weird thing is.. choy wasn't there to witness it.. so there.. and also, i texted choy a happy new year thingie.. and he isn't texting back.. which is weird since he texted me last christmas merry xmas back.. so why is he not texting back now? annoying... i swear!

he makes me want to hit him with my car... he's confused. im confused. we're all confused.

siguro i should just assume na kami na.. which incidentally i cannot do. so there. nangutang ako sa kanya ng 15 pesos and he was like.. i can't describe the look that he gave me... weird.. i tell you.. if we do have a relationship which is a BIGGGG IFFFF.. insecurity will be a very big issue.

i have a car, he doesn't/
i have a business, he doesn't.
i have an S-player rating, he doesn't/
im from UP, he isn't...
etc..etc..

hey.. speaking of S player.. im a superior player in my workplace.. oh di ba? pinangarap ko lang A-player tapos biglang naging S-player.. weirdness to the extreme.. i can't even understand why i became one.. now its a constant battle to sell like hotcakes and maintain that.

ok. i also got an email from bestfoods.. i have an initial interview this january 6.. natatakot ako.. ewan ko kung bakit. ayaw ko na ma-p and g.. and jnj.. if you know what i mean..

am i ready to go into the corporate world? am i?
hay.

i hate growing up talga.
i hate it almost as i hate choy not texting me back.

it sucks that when you finally find a guy that you do like.. he doesn't like you back. it sucks.
it's not as if he's like the freakin' catch of the century.. cause he isn't

ok. when the holidays are over. im going to lose weight.. im going to probablyt do a lot of exercise and then.. im soooo tempted to go BP.

mac told me not to. dino told me not to. my sis told me not to. but i do want to.

sobra. quick fix to all my problems. although the rational and intelligent human being in me is telling me that quick fixes never work.. the emotional and severely love sick girl in me..which in this aspect is out full force wants to do it...

and i also think that i may be developing anorexia and bulimia. Slight anorexia.. but bulimia.. i think im half there.. i like to binge a lot.. and vomit a lot. so there.

this whole choy thing is not good for me.

and also, there's more delays in the Modules Creatives inc company. i dunno.

once again, im in a plateau. I swear.. my life has more plateaus than it has mountains to climb.

ok.. i'll make a deal with you right now.

if choy and i do end up together.
i promise to

1. lose weight but not through BP
2. get MCI up and running with zealous passion and entrepreneurial spirit...
3. get flawless and white skin with gluto.. something...
4. and be the best girlfriend that i can be..

i want to be a girlfriend now na!
i want to be choy's girlfriend na! as in now na!

heaven doesn't give us all that we want. But please.. give me this thing? for the first time in my life, i want to accept a person for all that they are.. failures and all... and give them a part of myself.

ok. let me clarify that. for the first time i want to do that to someone who's not a friend of family member.

im an open book, true.
but just like a book, the words that you can read are not what's important. It's the way that it is put together to form something. How from a simple sentence of -- I love you. Can mean so much more.

I'm an open book. But im so much more.
I'm a sentence?

weird ko no?
kaya siguro ayaw sa akin ni choy.
hay.
i tetext ko ba siya?

there is only so much that my pride can take. kahit ako nalilito na on how to go about it.. should i make him jealous.. or should i make pa-cute..

pero one thing is for sure. I like him the mostest..

hay.. life truly gives us shit.. and this new year is bound to give me more shit.
and more shit.

but what is life without shit?
B-O-R-I-N-G

and i've been to boring.. and im not going back there no more..

life is all about shitting..

you do something = you eat something
somebad thing happens = like your stomach reacting to it and stuff
you hurt = you want to shit
you find a way to solve the hurt = you go to the bathroom
and you let the hurt go and recover = you shit
you end up happier and a better person = you feel relieved and lighter after..

di ba? life is all about shitting. its a vicious cycle..

haha.. im getting weirder by the minute..
this has got to be the longest blog ever..

haha.. boredom..

happy new year to everyone!
im going to go to sleep or try and text choy.
it doesn't matter if he doesn't text me back... at least i tried.

peace to everyone!

oh and yeah. i found mike barnaby in friendster...

wala lang.
it's the day after christmas.
I'll be going back to work tomorrow.
hay.
back to the grind.

Once again, im pondering how wonderful college was...
I wish I was young again.
But shit!
I still am!

True.

and choy is texting me right now.
gotta go.
:) wish me luck

ok.
recap to what happened the last few weeks.
I had this big die-hard crush with choy.
I texted him that I liked him.
And then he texts me back that he wants to be friends.
I text him back or more importantly lester texts him back.
And then we act like friends.
I act like a Joko who has a crush.
You know the drill.

Then suprise suprise.. at around 3am today, he dropped a bombshell.
He told me he didn't know that I was the one he was texting.
Yeah right.

The other suprise...
HE told me in front of all our batchmates that after the holidays "he wants to spend some time with me..." that's a direct quotation folks.

Hmmm... suddenly this has gotten me thinking. Maniniwala ba ako sa gagong ito?
Ewan ko.

I also learned some things about choy.
REmember, I told you that choy might be gay?
It's like im uber kinakabahan-na-naiihi-na-to-the-max afraid that it might be true.
It's like there's this gay guy who is not "out" yet and he invited choy to a party.. and in all balita... he tried to make choy drunk.

Ok. as i said, kung boobs lang ang labanan.. kaya kong lumaban..
pero kung t*t* na yung kalaban ko.. ay di ako ever magkakarun nun.
So what to do?

I'm going out with choy. He told me that he wants to spend it somewhere near nature. Sa farm ba namin uli? Is that what he's saying?
I don't think so. Baka mangyari na naman ang "the event" and im not talking F4 here..

I think i'll tell him that i want to go to Tagaytay or something. Haha.. good luck sa akin. Bahala daw ako. This is a test daw to see if we can "click". Kasi nga nauna ang libog sa utak.... hopefully di ako ma-Turn off.. alam niyo naman ang joko....

I'll also invite him to the January 5 talk that i'm having with Aji in UP. Maybe we can walk hand in hand in Sunken Garden or something... that is.. if we "click".

Grabeng pressure naman ito.. di ko makaya.
Mukhang dapat di ako umasa.

Some news though:
I have 3 fafas today:
1. OWEN - who's this manager guy of a semiconductor company.. effects
2. CARLOS - PMAer
3. GErald - cherry for short.. banda person na musically inclined to the max.. super great intellect...

oh.. and i think a lot of people are making PA-CUTE to me right now. I'm not sure though if they do have a crush on me.. this could just be "feeling"

Ewan ko.. itatanong ko talga kay Choy kung bakla siya when we go out... or if Ian made a pass at him.

Hmmm.. ilan kaya ang nilalandi non(choy)?

ok he's not rich. he doesn't know how to drive. he speaks in an accent complete with bisaya punto... hmmm... ewan ko.. bahala na.. as i said, i like him. And he might be the one.

I like him nga.
Di ba?

Oh no. indecision.

The twist.

What the hell do i really want anyway?

ok. i'm ready to tell him. I think.
I'm still debating if I should take the cowards way out and tell him through text
or tell him straight out (as in in front of him).

Maybe i'll take the chickenish way out.
I'll just text him.

Ron told me today that when a guy texts you that "you're a nice person" it usually means he's being nice and he doesn't like you.

Ok. maybe i shouldn't text. or talk to him at all.. hmmm?

actually, i just want to get over it! I hate this feeling! I super hate it!
I'd probably just cry once and then get over it! My pride is always stronger than anything else. And besides if he does "dump" me, I could always use that as a catalyst to a sexier more gorgeous me.. right?

So i think im trying to convince myself.
I hope by the time I finish writing this article, I'd have made my mind up. Maybe I'll just text him today.. hmm.. cowards way out..

Show me your love is playing.. hmmm... love will not wait for you eternally. Yup. I should just text him and get over it.. make it short and sweet like...

" i like you. just tell me if you don't like me. I'll get over it. "

or

" i like you. tell me if you don't like me. I'll get over it. "

ooops.. those were the same things...

or this is better

" I like you, tell me if you like me or don't like me. I just want to clear this thing up. Don't need the stress... merry xmas (???)"

hahaha.. that was bad.

maybe i'll just text " i like you, tell me if you don;'t like me. I'll get over it. "

and if he says i don't like you like that.. i'll text back

"great. try to act normally ok? c you later"

haha.. great.. sounds like a plan then.

i've never done this before. This sucks ha. Well, my friends made me realize that christmas is next week! Dammit!!! I gotta get this cleared up before Xmas. I swear. I can't take it.

Hey And I made a Sugar Mantra .. his codename is Sugar.. because he's bad for me.. makes my tummy/heart hurt... a lot..

THE SUGAR MANTRA
by joko
I will not look at you or talk to you or make the first move to talk about you
I will act like you don't exist and I don't care about you
I will cry
I will live unhappily
inspite and because of you

And in fairness, it worked today. Nag-pacute siya to death. As in. haha.. bala siya.. wait.. should i text him then?
hmmm.. mahirap ito ha.
baka magdaldal ang loko.. di ko makaya..

I'm going out to lunch with lester tommorow.... hay. i wish choy would come with me.
I wish choy would be mine na.

I'm pretty. I'm one of the most intelligent people I know (wow kapal muks na ito ha). And I know na paginasawa mo naman ako siguradong di ka magugutom---ever.. So what the hell is freakin' wrong with him.

Kanina, I joked that I was asking this guy out to be my boyfriend. He told me in all joking earnestnessthat "I will not be able to take your expectations" haha.. wow talga.. Mataas ba expectations ko?
Haha. medyo nga.

grabe handa na nga ako kumain sa jollibee ng araw-araw para kay choi. Or kung nagtitipid kami.. baon na lang.. grabe na ito...

grabe na talga..

Siguro i'll just try the whole sugar mantra thing tomorrow. Actually gusto ko na nga ngayon na lang as in! Maybe i should.

I'll just think about it.
A friend told me today to "weigh stuff" daw. Weigh if the consequences of knowing his answer would be equal to the relief that i would get and the possible hiya factor involved after the fact.

Wow bigat di ba?

Siguro I should just realize was doinee told me last saturday...

"face it joko.. the feeling may not be mutual.. EVER!!!"
bigat di ba?

haha pero totoo. Guess what I don't want to wonder. Ayoko na masaktan katulad nung monday. It hurt too much. When he was making pa-cute and this girl was flirting with him.
And he was flirting back.

I'll be honest and say na I'm hoping that he likes me. But i know the greater chance is that he doesn't. And being a guy, he'll act "ilang" with me, and avoid me like the plague. Can't wait for that to happen.. as in!

i'll probably make him the freakin' joke of the center. And i think i can do that too.

hay. oh vengeful heart of mine.
PEro if he rejects me, I'll probably exercise my way to a sad christmas.

what do you think?

unrequited love stinks.

Ok. I decided. I'll text him today. before i go to sleep. magsisi na ang magsisi, it's better that i did it than not do it and spend forever thinking what if i did it.

good luck to me.

good luck to me.. a lot!

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

ok. officially. I suck.
I suck a lot.

I can't breathe! Man! It sucks to be a loser! It sucks to be unsure and freakin insecure about everything.

I know that some people are supposed to be better than me, but this is ridiculous!! Absolutely nuts!

true enough.

jelly to death ang lola niyo.

AS in.

imberna siya.

nagbackfire yata yung pagpapacute ko sa lahat ng tao na pwedeng pagpapakyutan. I forgot one fatal detail. Siyempre cute rin si choy.. kaya marami rin ang na-cu-cute-an dun. Katulad kanina.. one of my new teammates seems to be making pa-cute sa kanya.

aji tama ka. Baka nga ego trip lang yang choy na yan.
Imberna.

Yesterday. He texted me. I wonder kung i-tetext niya ako ngayon. I dunno. Kanina, there was an akward moment. Ok. pinagseselos niya ako with his crush. So, ako nagpapacute naman sa isa kong batchmate, na honestly wala naman akong gusto dun. Magkalapit sila?
Touchy feely naman kami nung batchmate ko.

Oo nga pala. Today's selling was a total bummer on my part.
I didn't get to make one freakin' sale.
Major bummer on my ego.
As in.
Medyo, I'm kinda sad na. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be.
But siyempre sa kalaliman ng kayabangan ng lola Joko, siyempre nagwell up na lamang ang aking need to achieve,which of course, is always there. AS in.

Di ako made to be trampled upon and upstaged. I only CHOOSE to be in the background. NEVER ako nagpapabackground due to circumstance.
I need to freakin excel.
I have to sell cable.

In fairness, when i made a new opening line, and tried it out for the last 10 minutes of the shift, I got about 4 scheduled call backs, as well as a lot of times that I pitched the package. All i really need to do is to make my pitch so Damn solid that no customer would want to let the phone hang-up on me.,

Ok telemarketing is a lot harder than I ever thought.
As in.

So, I'm practicing my pitch like crazy and I have to absolutely have a sale tomorrow. I have to. It's not a choice anymore. This is pride.

C'mon Joko, you're better than this. In my team, there are 3 up people. I'm the only cumlaude. The other UP person is from Diliman, and is from engineering. Ok, that is pretty impressive too... and she got 2 sales.... I have to get 4 sales!!
Actually Lord.. if you're reading this, kahit 2 sales lang.. pero kung apat.. i'll be oh so grateful.

Please guide me and give me easy customers. Parang nagback-seat ang aking lovelife.. haha..

Hey. kanina... my TL assigned the seat plan. I got to sit beside the only two guys on my team, excluding Choy. Choy  told me.. "palit na lang tayo.." sabi ko .. "ayoko"
At dun nagsimula ang "war".

or shit. baka nangangarap na naman ako.
better safe than sorry.
magpapacute na lang ako sa lahat.
Sana matamaan si choy.
or someone else nalang.
pero sana may sales pa rin ako..

4? sige na....

ok recap sa ginawa ko kahapon.

I went to bacbacan 2 and to the supporting arms of my support group (wow redundant) to the max. There was jeff, lots, raul, moccx, abby T, dg and everyone else. Siyempre na-miss ko to death ang PG society, but things never turn out the way you always want them to-- they had to work. Not everyone is a call center girla like me.

Yesterday, after a crying fit in the car, I arrived at salt of the sea.. (tama ba???!).. and un-burdened(???) myself to them about my love problems. There was a torrent of advice coming from well-meaning friends. But I had to face it! I was in such a deep rut that the only way that I could get out of this heartsickness would be if I got over him, or if i get over him.

Wow. Many choices no?

Well, sometime after we left BACBACAN and Abby Tababa went to internship class, we were in OZ cafe (which I just have to say---I miss terribly!!!), I found got for myself a semi-permanent closure on the whole do I love him and does he like me issue.

I texted him :

"hi ****, joko to. musta? Jst want 2 b honest with u, wat hapnd lst friday did get to me somehow. Wla lng, i jst wntd u 2 knw dat.& dat, i apprec8 dat we're getting along these past few days. I hope u feel the same way."

Ok first of all, halos tumae na ako bago ko matext yang message na yan. I was sooo sick with cough and matching dripping sipon after my crying in the car fits, so I was really.. i mean really feeling (this is an understatement) wretched. My upper lip felt like a scotch brite scrubbed it clean. It hurt that much. I just smoked to make it dry up. Don't ask why it does, it just does it.

ok. so jeff helped me compose the message which i honestly say is brilliant, because:
1. it will give me closure
2. i will stop wondering
3. i will stop hoping
4. i will stop crying
5. and most of all, it will stop me from whining and making my friends all annoyed at me.

so exactly, as i was putting sugar to my tea, my cellfone went tuning Ken Zhu's show me your love.... A message had arrived!!! WAit!!! two messages!!!

My thought was.. "wow mahaba.. maybe he cares" (ok. i was hoping that much)

When i opened my message it read:

"Ure a nice person..im taking a rest.im not feelimg wel.i hav cough,"

Ok. that was typed VERBATIM. Ok. WAs i hurt?
MAJORLY.
Was i sad the whole way home?
YUP.
Did I want to cry?
yeah.
Did I cry?
NO.

haha. Remember my whole entry on pride and love? WEll, pride has once again triumphed over love. Hay.

When will i ever truly love?
Malay.

Ok. I woke up, slightly sick.. ok very sick, as I went to work at 2AM in the morning. TOday was the day wherein we would make calls. WOW!

I didn't mope around because:
1. i was too sick to care
2. i was too scared of calling americans to care
3. i was too preoccupied with module...

SO, I went to work. He talked to me, called me, and talked to me. Asked me stuff.. etc.. etc.. Let's just say, he was trying to be friendly. Of course, dahil feeling ako.. feeling ko nagpapacute siya. WEll, you know naman how delusional i can be, so let's not put too much weight on what i'm saying here...

hehehe...

ok. We are part of a single team. The TL picked people out of the group.. and this guy and me were on the same team.

I think he's trying really hard to act normal. I feel so liberated because, I know in my heart that I like him. But I guess, the whole lovesick thing is not really my style. My uber big bilib sa sarili has reasserted itself and now i'm feeling really really pretty.

Ok. I flirted with a cute guy.. not my love ko na yata ito guy.. but someone else. But, I just realized that if you act like you don't care.. the more they like you... ?

Siguro that's why rhoda is so irresistable to guys.. hehe.. kasi she doesn't care about trampled hearts.. (o ayan.. ha.. tinutulungan ko na yung isa dyan)..

Not that i'm trampling hearts or anything.. but i do know i got a killer smile. So i was a smiling freak the whole day.. hehe.. even when americans were telling me to fuck off.. hehe.. very funny. .

honestly, i don't know how tommorow will turn out. I didn't get a sale today, i hope i get one tomorrow.. or else i'll be feeling very low. I gotta study the packages and be the best damn telemarketer that I can be..

I don't know how the whole this could be the guy could work out. One thing is for sure, I found out more things about him today.. which i can tell you during at that time, did make me look at him differently.

he isn't that rich, and he has sungki in his teeth. Pardon me for being superficial.. but hey I am!

But thinking about it, i don't care about how much money he makes, or how sungki his teeth is. As i said, I'm willing to go to Jollibee with him anyday.

While i'm typing this, the song "too beautiful for words" is playing on the background. I just have to smile, I'm feeling too beautiful for words right now.

I have a love interest!

Is he interested in me?

I dunno.

DO i care?

No.

He'll like me in the end. I know this. Unless of course, I decide we're better off as friends.

hmm.. maybe the reason, he doesn't want a gf would be because he's a little financially depleted...

well either way.. tommorow is another day.. right?

TOODLES!

Pray that I make 4 sales!!!!
Please???